I wish I could tell you everything I feel. But I can't. First because I'm a coward and second because I'm not even sure of what I feel.

rant rant rant

Wow long time no see, hum? Well... no one comes here so, no big deal. For that exact reason I decided to come here, since I've been in need of a place to rant and vent out and since no one comes here, no judging. ^^
I've been feeling really bad the past few days. I'm having bad mood and I don't feel like talking to people at all. I act cold towards people even though I don't want to, I just do.
Since that weird issue with L. and N. I feel things are getting weird with L. but I'm afraid of talking to her because she always makes such a drama about everything... I love her, she's a very good friend who supported me when I needed but she acts different now... And besides that I feel like everything I do is wrong... I also miss my mom. She's been working a lot those days and when she gets home she's always tired so we barely talk. I was always SUPER DAMN CLOSE with my mom like... seriously very close! And now it hurts to have this weird relationship with her... And speaking about my parents... Both of them keep hurting me. I feel like I'm not so important now and we're always fighting... I'm tired of it.
I feel bad with myself and with the world... I feel like I'm changing to a cold person. I don't want it. I don't want to be cold. I hate this... I hate feeling like shit. My friends can't understand me and I don't blame them because I'm not a easy person. I sound childish, immature, wtv... Probably that's what I am. A child who doesn't know anything about life... Or maybe knows too much. I'm confused. This post is confusing but my brain is not working properly right now. I just want to scream and to be free to be MYSELF! I want to follow my dreams but I can't because of this stupid damn society and because of my parents!! I don't know what to do with my life! I don't know who I love, what I am, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling... NOTHING!! Sometimes I want to disappear, other times I don't. I can't complain because I've been always safe and loved by my family but my life sucks. IT DOES. I cant' do ANYTHING! I can't even go out with my friends when I want and I'm fucking 17!!
If I could I'd go to the middle of the street and scream my lungs out. I need it.

Friend: But... How do you know that what you are feeling is love?

Me: I don't know, you just feel it.

Friend: But how do you know that it is LOVE and not attraction?

Me: Well... When you love someone it will be because of that person's soul and not because of the looks. It may be because of the personality, the laugh, the smell...  But it's hard to love when you are a teen.

Friend: You felt that before! I know you did!

Me: Maybe. Yes... Maybe.

BLAQ STYLE ~ *___*

Hello guys ^^
Today I was surprised when my mom said I had a package for me from Patty~! She sent me a birthday present!!

She sent me such a cute letter *-* And a present! When I opened it... MY GOSH WHAT A SHOCK! XD

MBLAQ'S ALBUM!! *____* I wanted this album so badly... And when I saw it I was like "NO FUCK O.O FOREALZ?!" XDD
The album is amazing! And the cover is super original~ ^^ Oh and now I have sexy photos of MBLAQ's members not just on my computer! muahaha!

Finally I have a k-pop album ^^ I loved it and I know I already said this but... THANK YOU PATTY <3
Now I need to find someting for her because her birthday was on february's 20th... And a present for Sungtae unnie too because she already gave me lot's of stuff and I want her to keep something mine :3

Spring feeling ~ desk stuff & selca!

Hello there ^-^ SPRING IS ALMOST HERE! I love it ~  It's warm and nice. Everything starts to look pretty during spring!
So, last week I went to a chinese store to buy some stuff to decorate my desk! And I found lot's of cute things including a super cute chinese boy who was looking at me and my mom the whole time XDD today I went there again and he greeted us! How nice xD
Here's a pic of my desk (sorry for the phone charging LOL):

You see the hello kitty thing on my nintendo DS? Sungtae unnie gave it to me! ^^

And today I dyed my hair again ~ My hair had already big roots and I wanted it to be lighter! I took some selcas but you can't see the color as it really is T^T  it looks brown and in reality it's not THAT brown! It's more... gold/orange like... (I can't really explain it LOL) But here it is:

My not so pretty self... XD

Hope you guys enjoy the warm weather! <3  bye bye!

There are some things that makes me feel really sad and angry. I went through a life full of discrimination and like I said before I was victim of bullying when I was younger... One thing that I just can't stand is discrimination, believe me! And yesterday I cried hard not because of me but because of someone that I don't even know. I saw a guy on my school alone so many times... And he's not the only one. You know why these people are alone? Because they are diferent. Because they are not what the society sees as "perfect and normal people". And that makes me sad. That makes me feel empty inside. That makes me remember the days when I just wanted a friend... That days I used to stay alone in my corner waiting for the bell to ring so I could enter class and then no one would bully me and everything would be alright but then the bell would ring again and I would be disturbed by those kinds or just stay alone watching all the other kids of my age having fun with their group of friends while I was completly alone. I wondered so many times "why me? what did I do wrong? Why can't I have a friend?" and believe me... I still do. But my answer is almost complete: I was diferent. I am not like the other people of my age. I never was.
But I was talking about the fact that I cried yesterday and why? Because I know the pain these people are feeling. I know how it feels to feel that we don't fit the society... I hate it! I hate society! I hate the fact that people want to be all the same! Same clothes, same hair, same tastes... EVERYTHING! If you are diferent you will be ignored and you will not be accepted. The fact is that now I can deal with it. I don't care if people don't like me as long as I have friends who like me the way I really am but it's still wrong and I can't stand this behaviour.
Today I had a moment of hapiness. Why? Simply because I saw the boy talking with some people happily. That made me smile and made my day. It really did.

Out with friends

Hello guys! Today was fun~ ^^ I went out with Sungtae, Nikki, Kitten and Andoro! I met Kitten for the first time and she is nice!
We walked around Lisbon and ate together! I bought a chinese magazine and it has Super Junior on it and also small pics of Kim Hyun Joong, Amber and Lee Min Ho!!

 

Sungtae unnie's magazine has CN Blue, Super Junior and Wonder Girls T___T  she gave me that page because i wanted that awesome pic of Heechul :3

Also bought strawberry mochi which is yummy. *o*
Then we went to starbucks!! OH I JUST LOVE IT!!!

That thing tastes like heaven!! XD

I wish there were more days like this one. Seriously! 

Bye~